FRIENDSHIP -
In an ancient Buddhist story, the Buddha’s faithful attendant,
Ananda, asked about the importance of having wholesome companions.
Ananda asked the Buddha whether having noble friends and companions
wasn’t half of the holy life. The Buddha replied: “Do not say so,
Ananda. Noble friends and companions are the whole of the holy life.”
(SN 45.2, Bhikkhu Bodhi)
Whatever kind of life you have, your friends are both a part of it
and a reflection of it. Work or school associates, sports teammates,
companions in religious community – in all of these there is some degree
of choice. You accept a job, join a team, or become a member of a
social group; and you choose how closely to associate with the people in
each group. Even in your family, you choose how close or distant to be
with individual members.
Within each of these affiliation groups, there may be people you’d
like to know better and those you’d like to avoid spending time with.
How do you choose which people fall into which category? Do you like
the ones who seem to like you? Or the people you consider the most
physically attractive? Are you drawn to people you consider thoughtful,
or wise and helpful? Do you passively wait to be contacted, by anyone at
all? Somehow, by some sorting method, you end up with friends and
acquaintances that influence you and whom you influence. This page is
concerned with how you choose friends and what happens in these
relationships.
Are your friends wholesome companions?
One definition of a good friend is someone who brings out what is
best in you. She might do this by following your lead when you do
something worth emulating, and by telling you directly what she admires
about you. A good friend discourages what is worst in you, perhaps by
declining to follow an unwise lead, and sometimes by telling you
directly when she thinks something is off. By her actions and words, a
good friend gives you helpful feedback. Out of genuine concern for your
well-being, a good friend will support your wholesome actions and
discourage your unwholesome actions.
Are you a wholesome friend to your companions?
On the other side of the question, how much of the time are you a
wise and beneficial friend? Do you encourage people to do what’s best,
even if there’s nothing in it for you? Are you willing to bring up
awkward topics if you think it will help another person? Do you
appreciate your relationships? Do you attend to them regularly, showing
that you are grateful for them?
This was said by the Buddha: “It is in accordance with their
properties that beings come together & associate with one another.
Beings of low dispositions come together & associate with beings of
low dispositions. Beings of admirable dispositions come together &
associate with beings of admirable dispositions. In the past, it was in
accordance with their properties that beings came together &
associated with one another… In the future, it will be in accordance
with their properties that beings will come together & associate
with one another… And now at present, it is in accordance with their
properties that beings come together & associate with one another.
Beings of low dispositions come together & associate with beings of
low dispositions. Beings of admirable dispositions come together &
associate with beings of admirable dispositions.”
(Iti 3.29, tr. Thanissaro Bhikkhu)
The people you choose to associate with affect how you think and what
you do. And you affect the people you associate with. Are you spending
time with people you chose? Or did they choose you? Or both? What
activities do you do together? Are the activities beneficial, or at
least harmless? Do you feel that others drag you down, or lift you up?
And what would your companions say about your effect on them?