FRIENDSHIP -In an ancient Buddhist story, the Buddha’s faithful attendant, Ananda, asked about the importance of having wholesome companions. Ananda asked the Buddha whether having noble friends and companions wasn’t half of the holy life. The Buddha replied: “Do not say so, Ananda. Noble friends and companions are the whole of the holy life.” (SN 45.2, Bhikkhu Bodhi)
Whatever kind of life you have, your friends are both a part of it and a reflection of it. Work or school associates, sports teammates, companions in religious community – in all of these there is some degree of choice. You accept a job, join a team, or become a member of a social group; and you choose how closely to associate with the people in each group. Even in your family, you choose how close or distant to be with individual members.
Within each of these affiliation groups, there may be people you’d like to know better and those you’d like to avoid spending time with. How do you choose which people fall into which category? Do you like the ones who seem to like you? Or the people you consider the most physically attractive? Are you drawn to people you consider thoughtful, or wise and helpful? Do you passively wait to be contacted, by anyone at all? Somehow, by some sorting method, you end up with friends and acquaintances that influence you and whom you influence. This page is concerned with how you choose friends and what happens in these relationships.
Are your friends wholesome companions?
One definition of a good friend is someone who brings out what is best in you. She might do this by following your lead when you do something worth emulating, and by telling you directly what she admires about you. A good friend discourages what is worst in you, perhaps by declining to follow an unwise lead, and sometimes by telling you directly when she thinks something is off. By her actions and words, a good friend gives you helpful feedback. Out of genuine concern for your well-being, a good friend will support your wholesome actions and discourage your unwholesome actions.
Are you a wholesome friend to your companions?
On the other side of the question, how much of the time are you a wise and beneficial friend? Do you encourage people to do what’s best, even if there’s nothing in it for you? Are you willing to bring up awkward topics if you think it will help another person? Do you appreciate your relationships? Do you attend to them regularly, showing that you are grateful for them?
This was said by the Buddha: “It is in accordance with their properties that beings come together & associate with one another. Beings of low dispositions come together & associate with beings of low dispositions. Beings of admirable dispositions come together & associate with beings of admirable dispositions. In the past, it was in accordance with their properties that beings came together & associated with one another… In the future, it will be in accordance with their properties that beings will come together & associate with one another… And now at present, it is in accordance with their properties that beings come together & associate with one another. Beings of low dispositions come together & associate with beings of low dispositions. Beings of admirable dispositions come together & associate with beings of admirable dispositions.”
(Iti 3.29, tr. Thanissaro Bhikkhu)
The people you choose to associate with affect how you think and what you do. And you affect the people you associate with. Are you spending time with people you chose? Or did they choose you? Or both? What activities do you do together? Are the activities beneficial, or at least harmless? Do you feel that others drag you down, or lift you up? And what would your companions say about your effect on them?
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